About a month off trail

This blog post has been rattling around in my head for about a week. Life back home has had its ups and downs. Even now, I know that I am still grieving the loss of the trail for this year. I don't know if I will stop grieving it until I either make it back on trail or decide that this is not the right time for me to do this or that it is a dream that might need to give up.

I'm coming up on two weeks of being in my own space, which is wonderful. I found a great one bedroom that had a dining room that allows for craftiness to ensue, which is great. I'm working my way through the huge storage unit and bringing in things. I'm also getting rid of a lot of things as I sort through. My goal in this season is to pare down things that I don't need, want, or use, and try to really persevere in completing tasks. I've realized that perseverance and strength in the face of hardship is something I have to practice. I am not a fan what so ever of this, but I also know it is good for me and a skill that needs to be developed if I am to do the trail.

I read something from a friend on Facebook about grieving. I know that my grief is of a different type and magnitude from hers, as she lost her mother in the past two years, but it still rings true. She commented about leaning into grief and how, while we are extremely discomforted by doing so, it's how we process and move through grief. For the loss of a loved one, you never really get over it. I do hope that I am able to move on from this loss, either to a place of freedom from needing to do the trail or being able to complete a larger section or complete it.

One of the hardest things for me right now is that the trail was this focus of completing something. I have been talking about it for years, hiking the PCT and then potentially the Triple Crown. I felt like this was the first big thing since graduating college that was going to actually be done. It wasn't going to just be a lot of big talk, but actually finishing something. I have such an issue with finishing things. My storage unit with so many uncompleted quilts are a testament to that. I'm striving to grow and practice finishing, both large and small challenges, but it is hard. It's a big blow to have not been able to finish.

Many people will respond to that previous paragraph saying, "Oh, but you did! You made it on trail!" but that just doesn't work as a balm. I know that I made it further than those who never went, further than those who were injured in the process of training, and further than the person who had to scratch the day of leaving for the trailhead. But knowing those things doesn't soothe my heart.

There is a low level cycle of worries that continue to spin just below the surface. I worry that our trip changed my relationship with Lucky. Right now, I just write off a few changes of character as he is still adjusting to all of the changes that happened over the past month and a half. He has to learn a new normal. I worry that he might have some arthritis in his shoulder that was highlighted when we were at the vet after the trip, which might make it inadvisable for him to hike with me. I worry that I am and will get caught up in my depression and not continue training and maintaining a trail focus. I worry about balancing finances and making ends meet. I worry about if I ever will really get to the trail.

I finally had to put some limits on Facebook of what notifications I received and what showed up on my feed. I want to be supportive of those who are hiking, especially those that I know, but I had to find a balance. I can't have their notifications popping up on my phone during the day, because it's like salt to a wound. Please know, my heart is so much for you and with you, my PCT friends, but right now, I can't really take care of myself and see your pictures, of you succeeding at something that I had to turn away from this year.

I can finally answer people, at least a few at a time, about why I'm not on the trail right now without crying. I made it through the sixth graders I substitute teach for peppering me with questions about why I was here and why I wasn't hiking. I have my own space to grieve how I need to. I have quite the large distraction of getting my apartment set up.

Right now, I'm just tired. I'm excited about my new space, but getting settled is tiring, though I am pushing myself to get settled as a distraction. I'm still here, with hopes of figuring out if this dream will be a reality. But in this moment, I'm tired and sad.

Week 1 off the trail

It's been a full week since we got off the trail, with a bit of wiggle room. It feels like a lot has happened as well as not very much of anything.

We all are doing better, physically speaking. Lucky has been bouncing around like a jumping bean and his paw is healing really well. We go in later this week to get him officially checked off that he is good to go. My one blister is gone, and Damon is back to running. He is even thinking of doing the Tough Mudder this summer. I told him I would love to go, to take pictures. 

Emotionally, it is still extremely hard. My depression is back at levels I haven't had for a while. It's partially due to all of the changes in such a short period of time, not having my own space, and not having access to my stuff, as everything is still in storage. I'm also really frustrated and somewhat disheartened by the process of searching for a new apartment. I found one I loved, but I didn't get my application in fast enough, as he showed it to two of us at the same time. It would have been just about perfect. I have another one that is a back up apartment, as it would be somewhat more than I would like, but it is out there and further out physically than I would like to be. Hopefully it is something that works out. At this point, I am just tired of looking and want something to magically appear. Guess that isn't happening any time soon. I know I need to be patient and hope that something will appear after 20 day notices are due.

I'm taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do.

Day 3 off the trail

Today was our first full day at Damon’s parents’ place. They have been extremely generous in offering up their spare bedroom to us until we can figure everything out. After my mom picked us up from the airport, we crashed there and then drove back to Washington. It was surreal to be back already.

We got up and went to the vet today for Lucky. We were originally in for his paw, but he was also favoring his right front leg as well. She thinks it is just strained from over compensation or some arthritis. I chose to treat the symptoms, so he now has some dog drugs. We don’t have to wrap his paw anymore, which is one less thing. His pad is coming back in well, which is such a gift. He’s on bed rest for the most part, but it is definitely looking better than I was thinking it would be.

He did get a bigger cone, since the one that we had been borrowing from Steve and Diana was a little small. Lucky wasn’t thrilled. I keep threatening that I am going to get at least one picture of him looking like a martini glass before this is all said and done. He has been catching himself all over things, including the stairs, so it has been really entertaining. I'm a horrible pet parent, since I have been laughing left, right, and center over his escapades with it. 

Once we were back from the vet and the storage unit (we needed clothes and Damon needed some books to study for his industry certs), I started in on the process of getting life back together. I filled out some applications on line for places to live. It’s a slow process, since I put a fair amount of money into food, gear, and transportation for the trail and I am trying to find an inexpensive place to live. I want to downsize somewhat, since I have a lot of stuff and I want to force myself to work on having less. I can work on projects, don’t get me wrong, but I need to not collect so much stuff. Over the past few months, it has been easier to let go of stuff, but I don’t know if that is going to stay the case.

I can already feel the depression setting in, caused by so many of my cognitive distortions. The different voices in my head, constantly judging, are back with full force and it is much more difficult to quiet them since coming back. I am having to wrestle with a lot of the feelings of failure and lack of self-worth in having to scratch. I know that I will get there with time, but please know, it doesn’t help right now to hear everyone tell me how much I have accomplished up to this point. Until I can get my own thoughts under control, it feels more like salt in the wounds, rather than encouragement.

It’s also hard to process everything in the house. It’s such a generous gift to have a place to stay while we figure things out. It’s just hard to process in a space that isn’t my own. Part of me wants to take off for a few days to the middle of the mountains, but our mountains are pretty snowed in, as well as I don’t want to leave the care of Lucky to others. I got him into this predicament and I need to care for him well enough to get him out.

I did get an application in on a place that is currently available. Here’s to hoping it clears quickly and I can move in. It’s just a little one bedroom apartment, but that is what I need right now.

That’s where we are all at for the time being. Lots of emotion, lots of little things that need to get done, but not really a lot of oomph to get it done and dealt with.