This blog post has been rattling around in my head for about a week. Life back home has had its ups and downs. Even now, I know that I am still grieving the loss of the trail for this year. I don't know if I will stop grieving it until I either make it back on trail or decide that this is not the right time for me to do this or that it is a dream that might need to give up.
I'm coming up on two weeks of being in my own space, which is wonderful. I found a great one bedroom that had a dining room that allows for craftiness to ensue, which is great. I'm working my way through the huge storage unit and bringing in things. I'm also getting rid of a lot of things as I sort through. My goal in this season is to pare down things that I don't need, want, or use, and try to really persevere in completing tasks. I've realized that perseverance and strength in the face of hardship is something I have to practice. I am not a fan what so ever of this, but I also know it is good for me and a skill that needs to be developed if I am to do the trail.
I read something from a friend on Facebook about grieving. I know that my grief is of a different type and magnitude from hers, as she lost her mother in the past two years, but it still rings true. She commented about leaning into grief and how, while we are extremely discomforted by doing so, it's how we process and move through grief. For the loss of a loved one, you never really get over it. I do hope that I am able to move on from this loss, either to a place of freedom from needing to do the trail or being able to complete a larger section or complete it.
One of the hardest things for me right now is that the trail was this focus of completing something. I have been talking about it for years, hiking the PCT and then potentially the Triple Crown. I felt like this was the first big thing since graduating college that was going to actually be done. It wasn't going to just be a lot of big talk, but actually finishing something. I have such an issue with finishing things. My storage unit with so many uncompleted quilts are a testament to that. I'm striving to grow and practice finishing, both large and small challenges, but it is hard. It's a big blow to have not been able to finish.
Many people will respond to that previous paragraph saying, "Oh, but you did! You made it on trail!" but that just doesn't work as a balm. I know that I made it further than those who never went, further than those who were injured in the process of training, and further than the person who had to scratch the day of leaving for the trailhead. But knowing those things doesn't soothe my heart.
There is a low level cycle of worries that continue to spin just below the surface. I worry that our trip changed my relationship with Lucky. Right now, I just write off a few changes of character as he is still adjusting to all of the changes that happened over the past month and a half. He has to learn a new normal. I worry that he might have some arthritis in his shoulder that was highlighted when we were at the vet after the trip, which might make it inadvisable for him to hike with me. I worry that I am and will get caught up in my depression and not continue training and maintaining a trail focus. I worry about balancing finances and making ends meet. I worry about if I ever will really get to the trail.
I finally had to put some limits on Facebook of what notifications I received and what showed up on my feed. I want to be supportive of those who are hiking, especially those that I know, but I had to find a balance. I can't have their notifications popping up on my phone during the day, because it's like salt to a wound. Please know, my heart is so much for you and with you, my PCT friends, but right now, I can't really take care of myself and see your pictures, of you succeeding at something that I had to turn away from this year.
I can finally answer people, at least a few at a time, about why I'm not on the trail right now without crying. I made it through the sixth graders I substitute teach for peppering me with questions about why I was here and why I wasn't hiking. I have my own space to grieve how I need to. I have quite the large distraction of getting my apartment set up.
Right now, I'm just tired. I'm excited about my new space, but getting settled is tiring, though I am pushing myself to get settled as a distraction. I'm still here, with hopes of figuring out if this dream will be a reality. But in this moment, I'm tired and sad.
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