When I was talking about Lucky, I mentioned that he was an emotional service animal for me. What this means is that, in addition to providing comfort, he alerts when I am experiencing extreme emotions, most notably depression/anxiety. He will try to distract me from that emotion, as well as annoy the crap out of anyone around in an attempt to get them to "fix" my emotions.
I live with a diagnosis of MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder, as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Looking back, these probably have been throughout my life, though I was only officially diagnosed with depression seven years ago and anxiety four. I can track anxiety and depression episodes clearly back to at least middle school and I have memories of anxiety induced trigger behaviors as far back as elementary school. Thankfully, these instances don't overshadow my history, but they have had a clear effect on my life.
In 2010, about six months after graduating college, I moved to Texas in the hopes of starting fresh and setting up more healthy habits, including attending counseling. Throughout my college career, my friends noticed that I had some symptoms of depression, but it wasn't overt. I could "cope" well, hiding quite a bit of my emotional disregulation. I was never suicidal in college, which is one of the major signs of depression of which people are aware. I did have many anxiety attacks and almost didn't graduate due to my inability to manage my emotions in even vaguely stressful moments.
There are still days where my heart is sad that none of the teachers I worked with during college ever said something to me about my mental illness, because that is what it is. They may have noticed it, but nothing was ever said in earnest intention to help me manage. The closest I had anyone come to saying something to me was a special education teacher whose students were in my student teaching classes. She commented that she had been concerned when I started that I followed to readily and closely in the footsteps of my supervising teachers. They were curmudgeonly, old bastards (card carrying members) who were from the old guard of agriculture teachers. I learned a lot of what I didn't want to be and a little of what I did want to be from them, but there was little to no emotional sensitivity in that office, for students or staff. I hold out hope that the teacher with which I was supposed to student teach would have caught something from the day in and day out. He was cut from a different cloth, younger and more aware of the care everyone needs to survive. But reality is, it probably would have been passed over due to contract negotiations, over crowded classrooms, extra curricular activity supervision, gang tensions, and extended contractual duties. Last, and certainly least in this situation, was my advisor. My program was small enough that our advisor was our instructor was our everything in the program. She didn't even warrant her own office assistant. We saw her every week for two to three years. And yet, we fought, skirmishes over email and phone, in empty classrooms and full shops. There is part of me that feels like she signed off on me because she didn't want me in her program any longer. That hurts, but I am glad to have been able to move on with my life, degree in hand.
Moving to Texas was a really needed change. I went knowing that counseling was going to be a big part of my new life schedule. After my first session, my counselor advised me to find a doctor and request to be put on medication for depression. I started on Paxil, which I only recently have transitioned off of. Looking back, I probably should not have stayed on that medication, but hindsight is always 20/20. Paxil really helped my depression, but it started putting on the pounds. When I moved from Colorado, I was in the vicinity of 145 lbs. At my heaviest, which was in Washington before I changed meds and went on a food plan, I weighted 193 lbs. Yah. The combination of Texas food, lack of regular exercise like I got in Colorado, and the medication put the pounds on. That, in turn, affected my body image and outlook on health.
While I was in Texas, I went in and out of counseling a couple of times. The counselor I saw there was a good introduction to therapy, but really wasn't what I needed long term. When I moved to Washington, I didn't immediately seek out psychiatric care, beyond asking my new doctor to see about what we could do for the meds and the weight. It took until the fall of 2015 for me to get back into counseling. I was utilizing the Employee Assistance Plan available through work, which was a great way to get back into care. I credit a lot of my growth to my EAP counselor who encouraged me to see someone who could work with me on my psych medications, as well as who encouraged me into DBT.
Changing my medications and adding an anti anxiety med really has helped. I can't believe the place I am at now, as compared to where I have been. I'm so much more able to manage my emotions. I've also been working to drop some of the weight, which is easier now that the medication isn't working against me. I am better able to keep working and going forward.
In addition to the medication change, which happened about a year ago, I also have been participating in DBT, or Dialectic Behavior Therapy, since November 2016. This is a very specialized, six month cycle of two sessions a week: one with an individual therapist and the other with a class focused on skills applied in life. This has been a Godsend and has really helped me learn to manage my emotions and work on my communication skills. I am finishing up with distress tolerance, which will lead right into the trail. I do plan on returning and completing another cycle of classes and therapy once I return, but for right now, I will have finished the whole thing before I leave. I really do feel like this is going to be a good set of skills to take with me on the trail.
And that brings us to the current day. I don't really suffer from my mental illnesses, probably because I have never really known life separate from them, but I know that it has affected my life. Looking back, I don't think I would trade it though. Would I like life to be easier and not have to carry around my ten piece matching set of emotional baggage? Of course I would like that. But at the same time, I feel like it has made me a stronger person on many fronts, which hopefully will provide for strength on the trail.
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